So.  Among the many things that happened in the last couple months, I've had discussions with father's friend (who is--was, whatever.. also my friend and is living with parents right now until he finds work).  I have outed myself to him.

Can you say 'really fucking bad idea'?

This is another case of me learning who I can really trust and who I can't, urk.

Thrown in among him trying to talk me out of being in an LDR because I'm young and should being having all kinds of kinky fun sex and not being in love have also been him telling me that I should love myself for who I am.  That obviously Girl must be fucked up in some special way if she loves the body I have but is still cool with me having top surgery.  That my having issues with women changing their bodies for other people (having dangerous plastic surgery to keep lovers, etc) is contradictory to my having top surgery even though I'm doing it for me.

So I've been having thinkies, as I am wont to do.

And I realised something.  In the last *handwavy* three years since I've really come to terms with my gender identity etc...I think I've grown to love my body more.  I know a lot of it was just puberty in general, but I remember spending far too many nights from about the ages of 11-14 just staring at myself in the mirror and having no idea what was wrong.  I knew something was off, but I couldn't name it. And that made it so much harder to deal because I just thought I was fucked up more than I already knew I was.  So pretended it wasn't there and made myself miserable in the process, because asking questions to try and figure it out made people uneasy.  Better me being unable to look at myself  for more than five seconds than squicking someone out for a few minutes, right?

Having a language I can use to define exactly what I'm seeing and why it throws me off kilter makes it so much easier to adjust for it.  I can look at myself now and go 'okay.  I hate my tits/my stomach/whatever, but otherwise, yeah, I'm not bad at all'.  Yes, having a partner who understands why my bits squick me out and adjusts for it also helps.  But I think that what I'm doing--accepting myself and doing what I can to help my brain and body gel--is far more self-loving than swallowing down all my negative feelings and pretending it's all okay just because other people are uncomfortable with what I'm doing.

Bah.

More Secretary ramblings.  There's a really good reasons these aren't getting posted on LJ.

Another thing that just blew me away, compared to other Hollywood renderings of S/M (particularly when the submissive has a psychologically fucked up past that pulls them towards the lifestyle) was the power Lee had.

Now, clearly, Lee does not realize she holds this power in the beginning.  Edward has to make her step into it--which I think is why I am not bothered by the slightly-blurry line of consent the first time he 'punishes' her.  By making her speak up, telling her to do something for herself, etc, he places the power in her hands.  He makes Lee respect herself; which in turn makes her see she is worthy of respect from the world at large. 

The fact that it all begins to fall apart by something Lee does shows how much power she does hold over Edward.  Forget about the little things she does to make him spank her.  The fact that she chooses very willingly to (spoilers), and Edward's very submissive reactions to such (sleeping on the floor) shows that she holds power over him.  There are smaller things, such as at the very end when Lee takes his hands while he's doing up his tie and does it for him even though he has not asked her to (aside: that part? Bunk.  It's just two seconds, non sexual, but oh gawd, yes)

And this is something I think it did so right.  In the end, every thing Lee does is her choice.  She chooses to love Edward, despite the things that make him difficult to love when she has an easier choice.  She chooses to submit, and in the end is not passive in her submission.  She fights for her right to submit, to have this choice respected.

And that? Is fucking beautiful. 

I adore strong women (ex: Bitch).  And I detest the idea that submission makes someone weak (hai, yaoi writers and your treatment of bottoms).  Practiced respectfully, subs have far more power than tops in a scene.  In Lee's case, they have the power to instigate it (by making mistakes like typos, etc, that they know will bring on punishment).  They also have the power to make it stop, with one word/action (whatever 'safety' is appropriate to your scene). 

At first I was uncomfortable with Lee's grandest act of submission.  She didn't know what she was going into at first, no explicit safetys were in place, etc.  But then I sat back on it a bit.  I looked at her friends and family trying to convince her she was doing something reckless.  In particular (spoilers) trying to physically remove her.  The way she screamed, fought, for her right to be in the scene.  Fought for her right to submit.  His attempt at removing her made me sick; it was a physical violation.  He was entering her space, pulling her out of something she wanted.  And she fought back.  She knew that she could stand up and walk out of it at any time.  She chose to stay.

I think that this scene taught me more than any media/people have before about the power subs have.  That we have to trust them to say yes and mean it, and say no and mean it.  That if someone places hirself into a situation like that and is capable of giving consent, we must trust that they know what they are doing when they give it.  When Lee urges Edward to spank her, he resists.  He later tries to write her a letter apologizing for bringing her into the situation; tells her he made a mistake.  Because he didn't trust her to know her own desires. 

Me=Edward, bit too much there.  Not to the same degree, but, yes.

I'd like to think that this (and other meditations that must be had) have pushed me closer to the point Edward is at the end.

...this was meant to be more of a Lee =(=/=) Bitch ramble.  But really, I think I've said it.  Watching Lee being clear with what she wants, and realizing why that is so hot to me.  I think Edward saw her burgeoning strength as attractive as well, given his reactions to watching her.  However, he wasn't secure in the fact that she knew she could say no to him, since he was the first to give her the ability to say yes.  And, er, yes, self.

...I could go into this a bit more, but this has already taken longer to write than the other two combined.